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The new millennial monsters
The new millennial monsters

If you spent any amount of time on the internet beyond casual amazon browsing and looking at trivia for the mummy returns on the internet movie database you've probably run across at least one of the seemingly endless swarm of crackpot conspiracy theories being terrifyingly streaked across the web like burning dolphins in the college library there's a whole world of people out there who can explain in excruciating detail how the government is secretly run by a shadowy organization dating back to the 18th century which may or may not be comprised of shape-shifting space lizards but as so many people take to the internet dispute gibberish about vast global conspiracy its like haunted fire hose full of paranoid racism…
This is easy people need monsters and an impossible shadow conspiracy that is more intricate than the vision board of a Batman villain are just about the only monsters we can believe in anymore. Truther conspiracies are our new folklore. If Bram Stoker been born the same year your money train came out Dracula would have been about a Hollywood producer named Tim Dracula conspiring to make jay-z the Emperor of space. Think about it the only reason vampire’s werewolves ghost mummies and Werechihuahuas ever existed is because people got to the top of the food chain quickly and then didn't have anything else to be afraid of and yes werechihuahuas are totally a thing…but you think you still have that need to be constantly on guard it's a survival instinct very deep in our brains like the lyrics to kiss from a rose by seal.
So, we got to the point where there's no obvious things left to be afraid of we invented monsters and monsters had a good run they hung in there for centuries which in retrospect is an inexcusably long period. There were grown men in Scandinavia who believed that mountains were just Trolls who got caught out in the sunlight well after cars were invented. The modern world has pretty much stomped out fanciful monsters that were more cool than anything nowadays. There are high schools on television that are nothing but monster’s. Werewolves breakdancing and are super good at basketball and vampires drive Volvos who listen to Paramore it's not a creature of the night that's just a responsible consumer. Nobody's really worried about getting eaten by a breakdancing yearbook editor so we must come up with something else.
That monster is conspiracy. 9-11 was an inside job Obama's birth certificate was forged. one of the most popular conspiracy theories in the world right now is literally about monsters specifically humanoid reptiles from another galaxy and are secretly controlling every major government on the planet. The Illuminati the mother of all conspiracy theories is a centuries-old organization dedicated to cloak and dagger power plays mired in satanic rituals and organized murder. kind of sounds like stuff monsters do! There’s a truther conspiracy out there for absolutely everything from disasters to cultural events to whether Stevie Wonder is actually blind because completely ruining your public existence by tying yourself to an elaborate lie for four decades totally helps you sell more records, there's even an elaborate conspiracy alleging that VALVE is part of a DARPA initiative to destroy video games. Monsters always have a weakness though because at the same time we need something to be scared of we still need to be in control of it; vampire’s poltergeist and werewolves are terrifying but they aren’t random it's always a pattern to their violence and always have some kind of weakness…not so with Sandy Hook or 911. When were struck with the real-world horror of mass murder and death by random chance things which managed to be sour and terrifying all on their own without the help of aliens or boogeymen we invent complicated conspiracies to control how we feel about them because we can't accept random violence that's too scary. We need the monster that behaves in a way we can predict and understand… pulling strings that we invent so we can convince ourselves even the most senseless acts of chaos where things we should have seen coming from a mile away so we invented the faceless “they”. At the root of every disaster there is our new monster; “they” engineer every aspect of our lives no matter how trivial but knowing that they are engineering these things and pouring our knowledge out all over the internets that they know we know is their weakness and that's how we have control it. Doesn't matter how easy these things are poke holes in either, after all no part of vampire mythology makes any kind of logical sense but that didn't stop Edward Cullen from padding his way into our lives.
For example loose change the infamous internet documentary created by professional dipshit Dylan Avery cited the incriminating evidence that jet fuel cant burn hot enough to melt steel even though blacksmiths in the 14th century seem to have no problem sculpting steel into swords and helmets using charcoal blast furnaces, so it's unclear why the emulating explosion of a 300,000 pound aircraft couldn't possibly burn hot enough to weaken its steel supports in a thirteen hundred foot building enough to make it collapse under its own weight. That's like saying Jean-Claude van Damme couldn't throw foot sweep hard enough to topple the enormous Chinese guy from blood sport because his shinbone doesn’t have enough density to crack another man's leg and truthers claimed the Sandy Hook shootings were staged by the government to promote stricter gun-control legislation even though gun control laws have loosened in the wake of the tragedy because the NRA is the best lobbying group in the history of the world. Pointing out the obvious holes in these theories just makes the mythology stronger because people plug those holes up with belief pure hardcore galvanized belief.
Dylan Avery was a teenager trying to write a script about a bunch of other teenagers discovering a vast conspiracy behind the September 11 attacks before he even created loose change, this isn’t insider information either he publicly admitted this in addition to acknowledging that he twisted miss quoted or straight-up invented most the information in this video that 911 truthers still quote to this day…
Rick Dyer staged an elaborate media hoax back in 2008 claiming he had big foots remains in a freezer when it turned out all he had was an old gorilla suit stuffed with rotten deer meat. Then he pulled the exact same stunt in 2015 bigfoot truthers believe them all over again even though literally the only thing on Rick Dyers resume is dude who professionally makes up crap about Bigfoot.
People need to believe this stuff we need to believe that 911 was a vast controlled government conspiracy instead of the vast controlled terrorist conspiracy it was because that makes our unpreparedness for the tragedy easier to bear. It's the same reason we grew up checking our rooms for monsters before turning out the lights, that werechihuahua hiding under your bed isn’t going to suddenly decide not to crush your skull bone with his powerful jaws just because you spotted him. You just wanted him to know that you knew he was there all along.
Now I know what some of you are thinking this whole blog is just an excuse to bandy about my crackpot theories about werechihuahuas and that's just not true. I never said the Kardashians secretly were werechihuahuas just saying there's no evidence they aren't and that’s science.
Posted by johnspartan11707 on 11 June 17 at 00:24 | There are no comments on this blog - Please log in to comment on this blog.

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